he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize