It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize