I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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