dude i'm inner monologue high
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
