All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
