Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
