I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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