'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
