I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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