don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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