Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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