If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
