Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The best revenge is premature balding
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
