I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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