I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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