My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
