you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize