DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
