I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
