My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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