Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
