We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
