I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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