If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
