Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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