Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
