i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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