i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
