i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
