I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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