I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
