I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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