youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
