we're chasing vodka with high fives
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
