It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
