I got chris browned last night
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I did not marry a roomba.
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