his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
