You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
