I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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