im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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