Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
