If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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