i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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