I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize