Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
