true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
