I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
