He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
