don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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