I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
