after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize