I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
