im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
