Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
