tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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