i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize