Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
