Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she smelled like a LAN party
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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