i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
