ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
