oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
