In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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