If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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