Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
