I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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