it's not cheating when I paid for it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
